Unfortunately you will die in a freak accident whilst dancing to Europe’s ‘The final countdown’ in a Croydon nightclub this New Years eve. The cause of death is friction charging an electrostatic build up in your shell suit igniting the powerful ‘Denim’ aftershave vapours within, This plus the alignment of angry Mars during a full Moon causes spontaneous combustion. Mulletcide. The perfect storm.
As a slap head, your ruling planet is Jupiter’s moon Europa; the smoothest object in the solar system. Typically its influence on those with a full width parting is one of denial (see combover) or weak humoured beliefs based on lies, some of which I can explode here::No, it’s not a solar panel for a love machine.No, your face is not so good looking it’s taking over the rest of your head.No, you’re not just taller than your hair.No, you don’t have a handsome face and room for another one.No, God didn’t put hair on everything he was ashamed of.
Romance is in the ‘hair’ this month but your ruling planet Mars indicates a warning of danger around the 24th. Sure enough, you accidentally prong your girlfriend in eye with one of your ridiculous hair spikes during fervent lovemaking. As she is permanently blinded in one eye, she says you certainly will be her ‘last Mohican’.
At least when you grow older and your tolerance broadens along with your politics gradually and inevitably shifting towards the Lib Dems you can grow your hair to cover some of the Swastikas.
In a trendy new wave spiritual shop, you accidently stand too close to some powerful healing crystals which cause the side of your massive Hendrixesque Fro to combust and it is several seconds before you realize your Kravitz is firmly ablaze. After it’s extinguished you head home but the asymmetric aftermath of a hairstyle is spotted and you inadvertently spark the biggest hair fashion sensation of 2012. The HalFro.All afro-hipsters cultivate one and those that can’t perm or adapt wigs. However, exactly seven months later the influence of Neptune moving into Saturn makes everyone stop dead at exactly the same time and have the collective thought: “Fuck me, I look like a truly massive wanker” Fashion immediately moves on. Reach for the clippers.
The permanent wave, commonly called a perm, involves the use of Jupiter’s massive gravitational pull to break and reform the bonds of the hair before heat treating it at 400 degrees. This dries up, ages, shrinks, shrivels and over curls your hair to match your wizened fugly phizog until you finally achieve the complete ‘Ancient shrunken head artefact ‘ look.
This cropped Hairsign has the hard as nails outward appearance of a 50s throwback army drill sergeant but at home you reveal a much softer side as you also fashion your pubic ’hairea’ in the same distinctive manicured flat top style so you can rest a nice cup of tea on there in bed and warm your bits as you enjoy Strictly.
An unfortunate Hairsign in that it would be better for everyone if you pulled and stretched your hair not to the back of your head with 100 lbs per sq inch pressure, but rather to the front thereby simultaneously obscuring and crushing your ugly face and suffocating yourself for the good of all mankind.
If Caucasian, you have embarked on a pointless quest to make your hair convince people you are in some way black and therefore, in your head, more cool. The harsh reality is that your hair weighs more than your head and it cricks your weedy neck. It smells like skanky corpse pubes too. Get a comb.
People of other Hairsigns often say curls are attractive but that is only because they feel sorry for you. In fact you look ridiculous with those childish ringlets cascading in ‘bangs’. You’ve spent a reserved life trapped behind these oppressive psychological fringings and it’s not until you are middle aged that Neptune encourages a sudden urge to Immac your head and while you’re at it get rid of the curly nastiness near Uranus too.
The orbital strands of Saturn’s delicate rings teased across it’s naked surface were observed by early astronomers and mystics who became Inspired to copy the look for this reason alone, definitely not trying in vain to appear less bald.The hirsute Darwinian cul de sac all but died out in the late 70’s, though rare examples may still survive in care homes or whizzing past on mobility scooters, where, if the wind is angled just right to catch the edge of the combover, the pedal bin lid phenomenon may be observed and enjoyed. However, I predict the style will again be seen spawning in a purely ironic style accross trend hubs such as London’s Shoreditch or Hoxton towns in late 2012 with fashionistas growing asymmetric side hair until they can finally shave the top and caress it all the way over before slipping into their Bobby Moore or Fred Dinage T shirts to hit the clubs.
It’s one for the money two for the show, three to get ready and… wait… oh dear, hold on… You died in 1982.